silverstilletto: (I'm never where I wanna be)
[personal profile] silverstilletto
I have a confession to make, to everyone who's likely to see this. As my friends, and people I roleplay with, you deserve to know I have massive issues. They creep up on me sometimes and make me want to quit. Quit PD, quit school, quit everything.

I know the cause of my issues, and normally I wouldn't bore you to tears with the details. I'm just writing this because Sair and Cam said it would be better to just do this instead of bottling up my stupid angst like I usually do.

Anyway, on to the confession I mentioned. Truth is? I'm scared of you guys. I love you, you're some of the best friends I've ever had, but... I'm scared of you. And not just in the way a previous bad internet experience would give. All I can think about is... How good you guys are. At everything. And how much I fail in comparison. And how happy all of you are. I have confidence, yes, but all my self-esteem is a facade. I have low self-esteem, really. I'm just... A good actress. And no so good a roleplayer. Maybe that's why the only place I've ever really felt comfortable was onstage.

Another confession: I'm jealous. I'm jealous. I'll say it again, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of all of you, with your skill and happiness and friends. I'm jealous  of how much you all can support eachother. I'm jealous of everything. Everything. Every little thing.

I'll always feel like an outsider. Everywhere I go. Even if I'm comfortable at first, it won't be long before my issues come up to bite me in the tushy. And I'll run away from it all. There's another of my stupid issues, overindependance. I obsess over making friends, to the point where I don't want to make anything too heavy for fear of warding people off. No one likes angst. But that means I just become distant to the point where I ostracize myself. People consider me as that quiet, smart, unapproachable kid, and I wind up with very few friends I'm actually comfortable around. Comfortable enough to be myself, anyway.

It doesn't help that just about every real life friend I've ever had has moved away. Many didn't say goodbye. Several didn't even let me know they were leaving. And my brother, who has never seemed to need friends, has always had a crew of guys around to hang out with. All guys, all his age or thereabouts, and all in the neighborhood. I never had that. I was always so jealous. So jealous of him and his friends. So jealous of him and his happiness.

I usually just bottle eveything up. I deal with it myself, on my own terms, and usually don't even tell anyone I'm jealous or lonely or hurting. I take it all on myself and show no weakness. Look at me now! A girl with a reputation for not needing anyone. A girl with a reputation for being dependable. A girl you can always count on to lend you a shoulder to cry on. A girl who will always listen when you just need to let it all out. A girl who never has any troubles stopping her from giving advice when others need it. But I've grown up with loneliness being more the rule than the exception, and look at what else has become of me. A girl who depends on no one. A girl eaten up by jealousy. A girl plagued by loneliness. A girl who doesn't know how to socialize or rely on others.

I just close myself off to the world and never let it out. I run away from my issues and let them fester because I'm not strong enough to let anyone in. I don't know how to chit chat. I don't know how to fluff. All I can do is angst, and hide the angst, and cry in a corner where no one will see. I can only hide. And I just end up suffering alone.

I'm never more alone than when I'm surrounded by my so-called "friends".

So there you have it. A stupid angsty rant from a stupid angsty girl. You're probably disgusted. That's fine. You should be. I'm utterly detestable. Eaten up by jealousy. Overrun by loneliness. Bitter and untrusting of others. Unable to be myself. Never comfotable unless I'm being someone else. Cowardly and bitter and wallowing in my own self-pity. Look, I'll even top off the list of reasons to hate me by telling the truth, I'm mentally unstable! Who ever heard of a nocturnal sixteen-year-old who was afraid of the dark and parrots? I used to be a psychotic, a crazed wild thing, and I still get violent urges. I even hallucinate. This isn't normal insanity, this is honest-to-goodness crazy insanity.

Go ahead. Hate me now. I'll just run from it all again.

I think I might take a week off from roleplay sometime soon. But I won't. Because I'm afraid that if I do... I'll never have the courage to come back.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-01-04 02:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] suwako.livejournal.com
If anything, mind if I just say how much better off you are than I am? Your acting has done great things for you in RPing, and your personality has nabbed you many great friends who care about you. If anything, I should be the one posting this angst-filled post, not you. Hell, I probably wouldn't be getting the types of responses you're getting in the PD chatroom while I type this.

But this isn't about me, it's about you. You say you're not good at RPing and feel like an outsider, and you say that's the self-esteem talking. The girl I knew was very outgoing and kind and had a somewhat positive view of life. You may claim to "hide" your self-esteem, and although I cannot say for sure what the truth is, you'll always be that kind and happy girl to me.

To sum it up, stay strong. You can get through anything when you put your mind to it, and once you do, you'll be glad you did so. And if you hesitate, just remember you have friends who will always be there to support you. No matter what.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-01-04 02:57 am (UTC)
From: [personal profile] connike
... Letty, sweetheart. What you're feeling is okay. Really. I know exactly what you mean, because I am the exact same way. I question myself all the time, wonder "oh god, when is this wonderful thing that I have going to end"... all of those things.

I'm afraid. I'm jealous. I feel like an outsider. I feel lonely. Everyone does at some point to some degree. Like Cam and Sair said, it's so much better to let it out. It does you no good... and it only makes the people who care about you worry even more.

I'm happy that you are brave enough to lay your feelings out like this. It shows a trait that is really good and admirable: courage. And, although you might not believe me, I'll say it anyway... I won't hate you. Not for this. There's no reason for me to hate you for this.

Is there anyone you can talk to about these things? A counselor, a trusted adult, or otherwise? I find it to be helpful to just have someone who is actually trained or has more life experience than myself listen to you talk and not judge you. It may be scary to do, I understand; I was terrified when I first went to my counselor. But she has really helped me in the past, and I want only the best for you.

Stay strong, Letty, okay? Do whatever you need to do and, if for whatever reason you want to talk to me, I'll be here for you. ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2011-01-04 04:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xxsystemxx.livejournal.com
Letty, as far as I'm concerned you're a very sweet and lovely girl. All of us have felt similar feelings like yours. But it always helps to let it all out. It's good that you told us this, we're lending an ear. I'm...not good with words, so please bear with me.

I can't and will not hate you. You're one of the reasons why I continue role-playing. I wanted to be just as good as you. Like I said in the Love meme, I feel nervous about tagging with other people, but everyone is just so welcoming and friendly. Tagging with you is fun, as far as I'm concerned. If anything, I'm jealous of you. You're not a terrible person. You're just acting human. We all act human. We have all have fears and discomforts. That's what friends are for: to assure each others' happiness.

You've made many friends in PD, and they've all enjoyed your company. We would hate to see you go. But, if you feel you need to take some time off, please do what feels right for you. Remember: you have friends that are willing to listen.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-01-10 02:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spagonia.livejournal.com
Hey, I know I'm horribly late but Letty, dear, you shouldn't feel ashamed of how you feel. We're all human, we've all got our talents and flaws. Sure there will be those who will ostracize you for the silliest of reasons, but there are those people who really truly care about you.

I actually prefer that you don't bottle up your feelings. For one thing, it's not good for you. It ends up festering and eats away at you and I hate seeing when that happens. I want to hear about what's bothering you, and I might not be able to say anything of use to you, but I don't want you to close yourself off. Please, Letty, find someone, anyone to talk about your problems offline too. It may not seem like it, but I'm sure there truly is someone that's willing to lend an ear as well.

I really enjoy the threads we have, and I really wish I'm not stuck with this crap computer because I'd love for us to chat over on AIM and the like. Anyway, I'm sorry for the rambly tl;dr I'm bombarding you with.

If you feel the need to take a break from RP, then you should. It's a game after all, and I believe you should be doing it for fun! Just know that we'll be waiting for you, once you feel comfortable and up for some tags. <3

The Secret

Date: 2011-03-19 11:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dogboy2709.livejournal.com
Silv, That's not who you are. That's who you WERE.
After watching a non-fiction movie, my eyes have been Open to The Secret. And I'm going to share it with you.

The Secret is the law of attraction.
you attract everything in your life to you.

it's the same with your feelings.

You're NOT a coward, you Don't fail in comparison. That's how you WERE.

If you define yourself by your past actions, you are just dooming yourself to repeat them.

Stop being so negative about yourself. focus on the positive things, focus on what you are grateful for. Once you can do that, You'll attract more of the good stuff.

If you REALLY want something, you can get it. Think of it like Aladdin and his lamp. However, unlike the movie, we have an INFINITE amount of wishes.

If you REALLY focus on what you WANT and NOT what you DON'T want, you will receive what you want.

This will be my final piece of advice for you. If you want to go further, Read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. OR watch the DVD video of the same name.

Your old friend,
Dogboy2709
From: [identity profile] d0756e78-2cc3-4a6b-895a-0b8233559559 [openid.stackexchange.com]
I have read many inspirational ebooks from Rhonda Byrne and wanted to share the power with everyone.
It is free and you can download both the mp3 and the pdf.
Download link: http://secretpowercircle.com/

It is very powerful and i see changes in my life after three months dealing into it.
I recommend this for everyone.
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