silverstilletto: (I'm never where I wanna be)
I have a confession to make, to everyone who's likely to see this. As my friends, and people I roleplay with, you deserve to know I have massive issues. They creep up on me sometimes and make me want to quit. Quit PD, quit school, quit everything.

I know the cause of my issues, and normally I wouldn't bore you to tears with the details. I'm just writing this because Sair and Cam said it would be better to just do this instead of bottling up my stupid angst like I usually do.

Anyway, on to the confession I mentioned. Truth is? I'm scared of you guys. I love you, you're some of the best friends I've ever had, but... I'm scared of you. And not just in the way a previous bad internet experience would give. All I can think about is... How good you guys are. At everything. And how much I fail in comparison. And how happy all of you are. I have confidence, yes, but all my self-esteem is a facade. I have low self-esteem, really. I'm just... A good actress. And no so good a roleplayer. Maybe that's why the only place I've ever really felt comfortable was onstage.

Another confession: I'm jealous. I'm jealous. I'll say it again, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of all of you, with your skill and happiness and friends. I'm jealous  of how much you all can support eachother. I'm jealous of everything. Everything. Every little thing.

I'll always feel like an outsider. Everywhere I go. Even if I'm comfortable at first, it won't be long before my issues come up to bite me in the tushy. And I'll run away from it all. There's another of my stupid issues, overindependance. I obsess over making friends, to the point where I don't want to make anything too heavy for fear of warding people off. No one likes angst. But that means I just become distant to the point where I ostracize myself. People consider me as that quiet, smart, unapproachable kid, and I wind up with very few friends I'm actually comfortable around. Comfortable enough to be myself, anyway.

It doesn't help that just about every real life friend I've ever had has moved away. Many didn't say goodbye. Several didn't even let me know they were leaving. And my brother, who has never seemed to need friends, has always had a crew of guys around to hang out with. All guys, all his age or thereabouts, and all in the neighborhood. I never had that. I was always so jealous. So jealous of him and his friends. So jealous of him and his happiness.

I usually just bottle eveything up. I deal with it myself, on my own terms, and usually don't even tell anyone I'm jealous or lonely or hurting. I take it all on myself and show no weakness. Look at me now! A girl with a reputation for not needing anyone. A girl with a reputation for being dependable. A girl you can always count on to lend you a shoulder to cry on. A girl who will always listen when you just need to let it all out. A girl who never has any troubles stopping her from giving advice when others need it. But I've grown up with loneliness being more the rule than the exception, and look at what else has become of me. A girl who depends on no one. A girl eaten up by jealousy. A girl plagued by loneliness. A girl who doesn't know how to socialize or rely on others.

I just close myself off to the world and never let it out. I run away from my issues and let them fester because I'm not strong enough to let anyone in. I don't know how to chit chat. I don't know how to fluff. All I can do is angst, and hide the angst, and cry in a corner where no one will see. I can only hide. And I just end up suffering alone.

I'm never more alone than when I'm surrounded by my so-called "friends".

So there you have it. A stupid angsty rant from a stupid angsty girl. You're probably disgusted. That's fine. You should be. I'm utterly detestable. Eaten up by jealousy. Overrun by loneliness. Bitter and untrusting of others. Unable to be myself. Never comfotable unless I'm being someone else. Cowardly and bitter and wallowing in my own self-pity. Look, I'll even top off the list of reasons to hate me by telling the truth, I'm mentally unstable! Who ever heard of a nocturnal sixteen-year-old who was afraid of the dark and parrots? I used to be a psychotic, a crazed wild thing, and I still get violent urges. I even hallucinate. This isn't normal insanity, this is honest-to-goodness crazy insanity.

Go ahead. Hate me now. I'll just run from it all again.

I think I might take a week off from roleplay sometime soon. But I won't. Because I'm afraid that if I do... I'll never have the courage to come back.

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April 2011

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